A New York Times best-selling marriage book with more than one million copies sold! Based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and. Read "Love & Respect The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs" by Emerson Eggerichs available A Marriage Book with a Difference!. PDF ePub Mobi Love Respect, Reading PDF Love Respect, Book PDF Eggerichs pdf, by Emerson Eggerichs Love Respect, book pdf Love.
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This message on Love and Respect comes from His heart in Ephesians This book would not exist if God had not graciously illumined me to His revelation . Love & Respect PDF Summary is Dr. Emerson Eggerichs elucidation “Love & Respect” is a book everyone should read: couples who argue. Editorial Reviews. From the Inside Flap. Discover the Single Greatest Secret to a Successful Love and Respect for a Lifetime: Gift Book: Women Absolutely Need Love. Men. Love and Respect for a Lifetime: Gift Book: Women Absolutely.
One man who had attended numerous marriage seminars during twelve years of marriage wrote: Craig Cooper. Ironically, the deepest need of the wife—to feel loved —is undermined by her disrespect. Husbands, of course, also have their work cut out for them. Have we reached some kind of marital nirvana and all is perfect? She has made that decision, and so have other wives.
In Titus 2: The point is, a young wife is created to agape her husband and children. Ultimately, she will never stop unconditionally loving them. But in the daily wear and tear of life, she is in danger of becoming discouraged—so discouraged that she may lack phileo. A kind of impatient unfriendliness can come over her.
She may scold and sigh way too much. After all, there is always something or someone who needs correcting. She cares deeply. Her motives are filled with agape, but her methods lack phileo. Not every woman has this problem, but I have counseled many who admit they do have their periods of negativity concerning husbands or the children.
Everyone ducks for cover when Mom is in that kind of mood. Part of the problem, however, is that women are not at all sure they are being loved, especially by their husbands. The question continues to come up: Who started it?
In fact, she needs love just as she needs air to breathe. Picture, if you would, the wife having an air hose that goes to a love tank. When her husband bounds in and starts prancing around like a ten-point buck looking for someplace to graze, he steps on her air hose. This does not make her a happy camper.
In counseling, I tell the husband that when he sees the spirit of his wife deflate, he is stepping on her air hose. You see, the husband needs respect just as he needs air to breathe. To keep the deer analogy going, suppose the wife, a lovely doe, starts tromping on his air hose with her sharp little hoofs.
As his air hose starts to leak because of all the little cuts her hoofs have made in it, the husband is also going to react because his deepest need respect is not being met. And the battle is on. As I worked out what Ephesians 5: At Then at 6: And there you have it—the Crazy Cycle see page 5.
The real issues are always love and respect. Everything else is just filling in the details. Remember, the man is wearing blue hearing aids. Everybody respects me except you. I wish you would just be quiet. First, she has been treated unlovingly. Second, she has tried to move toward her husband by doing the loving thing. And now he has shown her he is the most hostile, unloving human being on the planet by just walking away and leaving her there! That does it!
She is not far from thinking she has all kinds of grounds for divorce. But if she does stop to think, she will realize that she started the whole thing with her criticism. This attitude of men goes a lot deeper than the fact that they might be immature or proud. Men have an honor code.
As his wife rails at him or criticizes, he sits there quietly, which makes her angrier than ever. All she can say is that I am unloving. The Crazy Cycle continues to spin. As she gets louder, he gets quieter. As a rule, women have learned to fight with words.
They are masters of the art, and husbands can feel helpless before the onslaught. I want to underline that this happens all the time with couples who actually have good intentions—and maybe more so because they feel freer to let down their guard and express what upsets them. And so the Crazy Cycle eventually spins many of them right into separation and divorce. Sir, let me ask you something, does your wife have basic goodwill toward you and others? Would you entrust the children to her?
How can two good-willed people treat one another this way? Whenever a wife is complaining, criticizing, or crying, she is sending her encoded message: Men, for the most part, are masters at stonewalling their wives, who confront them because they feel unloved. These women say the husband has to earn her respect before she will grant it; but, of course, if she continues to disrespectfully hammer at him, especially when he is trying to do the honorable thing, nothing much will happen.
Listen to this husband who came to me for counsel because he sincerely was trying to love his wife. He writes: Thanks for all your suggestions and support. I think that while I felt apologetic, I can easily be humble and pretty much take anything that comes my way.
The difficulty begins when I begin to see things return to normal. When I let my guard down, I begin to talk or share and it turns out that underneath things are very volatile and sensitive. When things started to go bad last week, it happened extremely fast and I was surprised to hear how all the same issues remain at the same raw and grim level.
I hate hearing that I am her enemy. It sure makes it seem that the road is long and possibly fruitless. Amidst getting angry, and blaming her, and the gambit of contorted emotional upheavals, I hear you saying that it is rarely the content but rather the manner of delivery that causes problems and I cringe at my inability to communicate effectively.
I also feel a little overwhelmed that all this effort and tolerance will only get us to some point of mediocrity, and that at the slightest perturbation everything will come tumbling down again. Few men can articulate the male struggle as well as this man does. How do wives expect husbands to respond with love to this kind of barrage? At the same time, how do men get themselves in such a pickle by being so blind in the first place?
When I talk to wives, they have no trouble grasping the concept of unconditional love. After all, they are wired that way. Few seem to have considered 1 Peter 3: She can give her husband unconditional respect in tone and expression while confronting his unloving behavior and without endorsing his unloving reactions. Wives and husbands believe respect ought to be earned.
The Bible teaches unconditional respect: Not only to those who are good and considerate. To suggest that respect for men should be unconditional gets some wives downright upset. Repeatedly, I hear comments like these from wives: The truth is he needs to love and respect me far better than he does.
A licensed counselor who used my materials and became a thorough believer in the power of the Love and Respect message wrote to say: Just yesterday, I talked to two new female clients who were wanting to save their marriages that were barely alive. I asked them if they loved their husbands. I got nothing but hesitation! They sputtered like an old car needing a tune-up. One of them admitted that she was quite the reader, but she had never heard anything like this before.
She asked me how she was supposed to respect her husband unconditionally. I told her in the same way that he was supposed to love her unconditionally. She smiled.
Note that these two wives had no problem with the concept of unconditional love. Women never think of that as an oxymoron. Women are much more expressive-responsive than men, who tend to compartmentalize their emotions. To put it simply, women are much more apt to show how they feel while men shut down. When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. He must unconditionally love his wife and he also must earn her respect.
Is it any wonder he shuts down in the face of all that? Part of it goes back to those pink and blue sunglasses and hearing aids. There is also the cultural mind-set. For the past forty years, the American church has preached unconditional love.
I preached it for many years in my own church, as I remained clueless about the importance of unconditional respect. During those years I was continually frustrated as a male counselor, and so were the women who came seeking my advice.
But now that they were married the husbands seemed to lack motivation to love their wives. They seemed less energized about their marriages.
Something was missing. Then I realized that, in stressing unconditional love, I was teaching the truth but only half the truth. Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
In one case I spoke twice to a group of two hundred women on the topic of respecting their husbands. I made myself available for a third talk, but the leadership of the group declined.
Instead, they asked a female friend of mine to address the topic: How to love your husband. The way to fully love a husband is to respect him in ways that are meaningful to him. And many wives are getting that message, including one who reported: I have led several studies on being a godly wife and have read and hopefully applied lots of biblical marriage resources. But I knew something was still missing even in my own relationship.
I could not figure out why my husband was staying somewhat aggravated with me and I was definitely not receiving the love and affection that I so desired. I tried. I was amazed at the result.
My husband is definitely not a sweet talker. He is an outdoorsman who hunts all over the world. He did not respond but I felt a softening in the air.
I wish you could have gone with me. I thought all day about what a sweet girl you are. I am now aware of so many ways that I was communicating disrespect without meaning to.
Respect does something to the soul of a man. God made him that way. Sometimes this gets mixed up. Otis released the song as a single on August 15, , as his message to his wife. Does the irony of this strike you as it does me? A woman does need respect, and if a man loves her properly, she will get that respect.
Market studies show that, overwhelmingly, the majority of cards in the United States are purchased by women and given to women. Greeting cards are a multimillion- dollar business.
Now, the card companies are not interested in ideology. They are out to make money, so they produce what sells. Women are locked into love.
Love is their mother tongue. Women are this way, and we men rejoice. Sadly, the deepest yearning of husbands goes unmet because wives and the card publishers are locked into relaying sentiments of love. If his marriage is typical, after the first year, he will know his wife loves him but will feel she neither likes him nor admires him for who he is as a human being.
If the pattern is like most, she will spend her energy seeking to help change him by her loving criticism and complaints, which eventually feel like contempt to him. But I was always curious. Would these ideas stand up to statistical analysis? Would this need for respect by men show up in research done by a top-notch survey group?
Yes, it would. In one national study, four hundred men were given a choice between going through two different negative experiences. If they were forced to choose one of the following, which would they prefer to endure? They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than to feel loved.
Perhaps a good analogy is water and food. We need both to survive, but we can live longer without food than without water. For men, love is like food and respect is like water. Enough said! Respect is the key to motivating a husband. A good illustration of how respect can motivate a man is found in our armed forces—the military. Because I attended a military academy from eighth grade to twelfth grade, I have had an interest in basic principles of military leadership.
For instance, my observation is that great leaders motivated their troops through unconditional honor. Envision a U. Marine general speaking to his men after observing them in training maneuvers that did not go too well. Get your heads up. Look at me. I admire you more than you admire yourselves. Your performance stunk today, but I see more potential in this fighting unit than any in the world. Where you will be in six months will result in the world hearing of this fighting unit, and I am taking you there.
Such men want to serve. There is something in many men, placed there by God, to fight and die for honor, to fight and die for women, children, and their buddies. Jim told me that the Vietcong would wound an American soldier, knowing his buddies would seek to rescue him. Vietcong snipers would then seek to kill those who came out to try to drag the wounded man back to safety.
He would often hear the heart cry of a GI: I have to help Joe. One husband wrote to me: I have been in the Air Guard for fourteen years with an additional six years of active duty. During your conference you made many references about men willing to die for their spouses or their nation. This certainly made an impression upon both of us. My wife has always seen military service as equating to war and death. I see it as honor and duty. I am committed not only to my country, but to the men I serve with.
Only men who serve in such a capacity military, firefighters, police officers can understand the bonds that are formed and the loyalty you feel to one another. I am sure this man is not trying to discount the women who serve honorably in various capacities in the military, as well as in firefighting and police work. But I believe he is trying to state a deep truth that is true of most men. I have counseled enough husbands to know the same kind of honor and loyalty that drives the military man is also in action in his home.
A man who has basic goodwill will serve his wife and even die for her. There is no expectation of the wife to die for her husband. Of course, there are wives who might push the point a bit.
One woman wrote to me to confess: Although a Bible student for most of my life, and a very spiritual person, I had given up, but then I read your statement that says: After teaching wives to behave respectfully before their husbands see 1 Peter 3: This concept of honoring your wife is also found in Ephesians 5, where Paul says husbands ought to love their wives as they do themselves.
A wife longs to be that special person Paul describes. She wants to be cherished as a princess, not revered as a queen. She longs to be first in importance to him. It is as though she is the princess and he is the prince. The prince goes into battle for the princess, not vice versa. This is graphically illustrated on any sinking ship as lifeboats are put over the side. Something in a man longs for his wife to look up to him as he fulfills this role.
And when she does, it motivates him, not because he is arrogant, but because of how God has constructed him. She is not self-centered.
God placed this in her by nature. When he honors her as first in importance and she respects him as first among equals, their marriage works. When he expects her to look up to him yet puts her down, he deflates her. When he feels she is trying to be a bossy queen, he cannot detect her real heart.
When she expects him to protect her but then accuses him of being paternalistic too fatherly or condescending, she deflates him. It is often something wives may never have heard before in any form. A wise husband will not use this information as a weapon.
Instead, he will be humble. He will let his wife process what she has learned and then let her act upon it. When she does, miracles can happen. In many cases, couples report that the Crazy Cycle grinds to a screeching halt. And more often than not, this change is triggered by the wife as she tries to give her husband unconditional respect. As a wife gets used to the idea of respecting her husband, she likes doing it and, of course, her husband is pleased also after he gets over the shock.
But most important, the husband is triggered to give his wife unconditional love. The lose-lose situation turns into a win-win, as the following letters from two much happier husbands indicate: One man who had attended numerous marriage seminars during twelve years of marriage wrote: Eggerichs understands this intrinsic need men have and how important the fulfillment of this need is to marriage communication.
I have never left a marriage seminar more excited and encouraged about my marriage. Another husband who had attended one of our conferences said: Having participated in several marriage seminars over the past seventeen years, I was not anticipating any earth-shattering or thought-provoking ideas.
If anything, I expected the typical reproof commonly granted to men at these conferences. Although I was convicted of my shortcomings, I was also moved and inspired. I walked away encouraged and refreshed as I received a deeper understanding of who I am, and how that translates into my role as husband. These men are among a growing number of husbands who are receiving respect and responding to their wives with positive understanding dialogue.
They have been bombarded for so long by the wrong interpretation of biblical submission that they are suspicious and even hostile toward the whole idea. Deep down they have a basic fear that can keep the Crazy Cycle spinning. As the next chapter will show, wives have far more power to change their marriage than many ever imagined. A woman may envision herself as a sweet little dewdrop and her man as a big, strong bear who should be able to absorb any kind of punishment.
I do that because you can take it. No matter how big they may be physically, emotionally they are vulnerable to what sounds like contempt. The male fear of contempt is dramatized in the first chapter of Esther. What was the fear? That wives would start to despise their husbands and defy them. The result: This is not to justify the male fear of contempt in the book of Esther or anywhere else. But as women fear being unloved, men fear being disrespected held in contempt.
The yearning and need of husbands is that their wives give them honor and respect. The question read: Even the best relationships sometimes have conflicts on day-to-day issues. Not surprisingly, Men need to feel respected during conflict more than they need to feel loved. This does not mean men do not need love. As I already mentioned, men know deep down that their wives love them, but they are not at all that sure that their wives respect them. Whatever the reason, during marital conflict, it is clear that men place a higher value on feeling respected than on feeling loved.
Many women cannot imagine this because they are still tuned into the love wavelength. Yet when a man says he needs to be respected, he is often labeled, especially in our culture, as arrogant. Just go back to your days of courting. During courtship the woman may have thought that her man was motivated to ask her to marry him because of her love. After all, love is what motivated her.
In fact, her love was huge; there is no question about that. The old saying puts it: He felt deep feelings of love for her, but they came out of his being convinced that she respected him and admired him. She was striking a chord deep within him that literally drove his life then as it drives his life today.
I believe that men hold respect and honor as almost equal values. A woman will talk to a husband in the home in the way that a man would never talk to him. The husband will often look away, wanting to drop the argument and move on.
All this annoys and incites him. So he withdraws. To him, that is the honorable thing to do. The wife sees such exchanges as potentially increasing love between them, and her heartbeats per minute BPM do not escalate. The husband, on the other hand, sees the exchange as an argument in which he is apt to lose respect, and this revs up his BPMs.
In an attempt to calm himself down, the husband will stonewall—become quiet, say nothing, or go off by himself. How could he possibly want to withdraw and stonewall her when all she has done is given him a minor criticism or two? Their wives, of course, are usually the ones who are the criticizers, the confronters, the ones who want to get things out on the table and get them settled. There are wives who stonewall at times, but in my experience, they are in the minority.
My view is that when a wife does stonewall, she does so because she has lost confidence that her husband will hear her heart.
She longs to connect but has given up hope. While his heart rate may be going through the roof, hers is slow and steady because her heart is broken. See appendix D, p. In the majority of cases, a wife who is in love with her husband will move toward him when she feels unloved.
She says to herself, This is wrong. How can he be so insensitive? Am I last on his priority list? This is so unloving. Instinctively, she proceeds to say what she believes is the loving thing when he comes through the door: We need to talk right now. Please sit down and talk to me!
When women have conflicts with each other, they both usually verbalize their feelings. They share what is on their hearts because instinctively they know it will eventually lead to reconciliation. Will you forgive me? When a problem arises and something feels unloving, the wife instinctively moves toward her husband to share her feelings. Her eventual goal is that both of them will apologize and then embrace. This is the way she keeps her marriage up-to-date—a high value for her.
Her heart longs to resolve things and to reconcile. Her husband matters to her more than any other adult on earth. In truth, her confrontation is a compliment. She thinks, Oh, that he could see my heart! Why does he close himself off from me? What a wife usually fails to see is that a big difference exists between her best girlfriend and her husband. A wife will be more judgmental toward her husband than toward her best girlfriend.
She knows that if she can just get her criticisms out on the table, he can change. This is not the case with a girlfriend. Also, the marriage relationship, unlike her relationship to a girlfriend, is a topic of ongoing discussion between her and other women. Women want to report to each other how wonderful their marriages are. If her negativity intensifies, she is in danger of becoming even more belligerent and contemptuous, and then her husband will close her off completely.
Proverbs When she gets too negative, she does herself—and her marriage—no favors. As one wife said: I have come across to my husband as too strong and too controlling and too demanding and too critical. I have been his mommy and his teacher and his holy spirit. He is scared of my tongue. The Crazy Cycle often starts when women start scolding in their homes. The word scold is often associated with mothers bawling out their children; the dictionary definition, however, says that scolding means to reprimand or criticize harshly and usually angrily and even openly.
Wives, however, tend not to see this. As mothers, correction is part of their maternal nature. Unfortunately, they tend to mother their husbands also, as this mother admits: As I sat at the conference and listened to you speak about love for a wife, I had no problem hearing and agreeing with everything you were saying. Then on Saturday when you started talking about respect and the lack thereof, I have to be honest, I was taken aback. I think this is especially true for me.
As a mother of young children, I am forever trying to make them understand right from wrong. I never realized that I had been projecting that onto my husband as well. And there is no doubt at times men need this kind of help. But when a man begins to feel that what his wife is saying reduces him to a child being scolded, there can be trouble. While many wives do not intend to be disrespectful, they appear that way to their husbands, and their husbands take refuge in stonewalling them.
For tips on how not to criticize or stonewall your spouse, see appendix A, p. Sarah was talking to a wife about controlling her verbal venom toward her husband. The wife was showing disdain for him, which she knew was not wise. But her husband did things that made her so angry. In her view, the problem was strictly with him.
The wife heard what Sarah was trying to say, but she felt overcome by her anger and hurt. So Sarah asked this wife a question she asks many women who arrive at our conferences full of contempt for their husbands: She was stunned. For the first time, she saw it! She would never want any woman to treat her son the way she was treating her husband.
She realized that when her son became a husband, if his wife treated him with such anger and contempt, his spirit would be crushed and he would shut down in defeat. When she heard it put this way, a completely new view surfaced. She saw herself more clearly than ever before, and she vowed to change. This lady is a vivid example of many wives who come to our conferences. They have mixed emotions. They love their husbands, yes, but respect them? That is why we constantly encourage wives to ask themselves one question: This whole idea of the male need for respect is new information to many women.
I understand their confusion. So the husband goes quiet and walks away. It is high time for women to start discovering how their husbands really feel.
She had never realized that though he needed her love, what he lacked was assurance of her respect. Learning this is hard on many a wife, and I am sorry that they have to feel everything from amazement to shame. No one is trying to shame wives. On the contrary, our Love and Respect message is designed to help wives see that their big, powerful husbands are really in need of something that wives can give—respect.
When a husband receives unconditional respect from his wife, those fond feelings of affection will return, and he will start giving her the kind of love she has always hoped to receive. Even significant leaders adept at assessing many different people in many different situations are not always in touch with why they react the way they do in their marriages. I want respect. He started voicing this to her, and though it created some tension for a while, it eventually resulted in a deeper understanding between them.
Now as she seeks to understand me, her appeal to me to understand her need for love really makes sense. It feels fair. I was reacting all right, but neither of us knew why. But they soon suppressed those feelings. As one wife shared after her husband strayed into an affair: I realized that my husband had cheated with this woman, not because of her looks or her personality, or because she was anything so great, but rather because she was his captiv[e] audience.
She thought he hung the moon. Every remark he made to her was witty; everything he did was perfect. In her eyes, he was the most handsome, intelligent, funny man in the world. He needed an ego boost, and she was ready and willing to be that for him. For instance, you respect your boss. She would view her husband as a very unloving human being. She needs unconditional love, and he needs unconditional respect.
A door-to-door salesman rang the bell and waited. A boy who looked about ten years old answered. He was smoking the biggest cigar the salesman had ever seen. Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: If the Love and Respect Connection is to make sense and work in a marriage, the wife, in particular, must conquer any feelings about her husband needing to earn her respect.
I have counseled many wives who love to love, but they do not love to respect. When these women feel unloved, often they will try to improve the situation with even more love. But when these women feel unloved, it is hard for them to show respect. They are merely reacting to their built-in feelings. My scolding and sour look stay.
He needs to get over it! This is his problem. Husbands, of course, also have their work cut out for them. Because they are feeling disrespected, they can lose sight of the heart of their wives. It is easy to lose fond feelings of affection in the face of what appears to be contempt. But is her goal to emasculate you? Not if she is good-willed.
I believe the men who are reading this book are men of honor, and my appeal to them is this: Love your wife. Always try to see what is in her deepest heart. I have talked to many men who say they want to try but are clueless as to how to go about it. Fortunately, there are plenty of clues, which I am always happy to share with any husband who is willing to listen, learn, and then change his approach to his wife.
See especially chapters 5 to 7, as well as chapters 8 to Will she discover that the best way to love a husband is by respecting him in ways that are meaningful to him? Or will she focus totally on what she feels is the key to a happy marriage —her womanly feelings—and dismiss his needs as antiquated or male arrogance? She wrote: My husband was able to see that when he would withdraw often because I was disrespectful , I would feel abandoned or unloved.
So I would go after him with a vengeance that would make a warrior cower. I asked him to forgive me for being so disrespectful. We have been talking and things have been gradually changing.
Mutual understanding is setting in. Yes, many men are unloving clods to one degree or another, but they can change. In fact, many of them want to change, and the best way to get them to change is treating them with unconditional respect. In our conferences and counseling situations, we deal constantly with husbands and wives who quickly grasp the concept of the Crazy Cycle.
They would like to get off—as soon as possible—but there are still a few reservations. They have been spinning for so long they wonder, Can this stuff really work? In chapter 5, we will start looking at answers to some typical questions and give practical advice for stopping the Crazy Cycle. And I have counseled many husbands who truly want to be loving men.
They are willing to try but are wary of looking like unloving fools—again. Questions from wives and husbands who want to try to stop the Crazy Cycle, or at least slow it down, usually focus in three general areas: She thinks, Can I really ever forgive him?
He thinks, I blew it again. I want to deal with all these reservations to show husbands and wives that, while these concerns are typical and natural, there are answers that can give them courage and motivation to start using the Love and Respect Connection to stop the Crazy Cycle. But before we start, there is one critical question for husband and wife to consider.
You are making your husband responsible for both the love and respect in the marriage. He will simply shut down. If you respect me, all will be well and I will be more loving. You are making your wife responsible for both the love and the respect in the marriage. She will simply shut down.
So who should make the first move? In our marriage conferences, I explain that I prayed about this, and here is the answer God gave me: All of us want our spouse to be the first to start doing the respecting or the loving.
But can you afford to wait passively for this to happen, like some kind of neutral bystander? Can a husband wait for his wife to respect him before he becomes more loving? Can a wife wait for a husband to really love her so she will then show him respect? The fear, of course, is that you will show love or respect to your spouse, as the case may be, and get a bad response. So you tend to pull back, waiting for the other person to move first. But what are your options? Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.
Think about it this way. Rarely can you lose. Think about it. You know if your spouse acted first, you would respond positively. For how to say it, see appendix A, p. The first concern is one we hear a lot in our conferences: I remind such a wife to be patient. When I talk about respecting your husband, I do not mean being a doormat. I do not mean burying your brains, never showing your leadership ability, or never disagreeing in the slightest way. I do not mean that he is superior and you are inferior in some way.
Nor do I want you to ignore your hurts and vulnerabilities. Despite my assurances, some wives fear that taking a respectful attitude during a conflict with their husbands will render them powerless.
These women do not believe a husband will change into a loving man unless he is awakened to his flaws. But it is extremely difficult to differentiate our roles between mother and wife. Over time, we start instructing in many areas.
The typical wife knows instinctively that correcting and mothering her husband are not good ways to approach him, but what else can she do? If she keeps winning battles this way, it could help her win the war of changing him into the kind of man she feels he ought to be.
She keeps on using negativity because she feels empowered by it. She thinks it gets through to him. Her disrespect gets his attention and she seems to win the skirmishes, which are usually about the same problems: But none of these problems is the root of the issue.
Lack of love and respect is at the heart of it all. To evaluate your approach to your spouse, see appendix B, p. I can yell and scream and rant on about little issues forever. He may accept her apology because he knows she is a good-willed woman who feels badly. But as the Crazy Cycle spins again the next month or week and then continues in a distinct pattern, he begins to believe that she has contempt for him as a human being—that she secretly despises him.
As a result, she gets locked into disrespect as a way of communicating her irritation and goading him to change. But over the course of the marriage, something slowly dies between them. She wins the battles, but deep down she knows she is losing the war.
But suppose she attends a Love and Respect Conference and learns what can happen if she begins showing her husband unconditional respect. To this dear woman, and to all others like her, I say taking the risk is the way to achieving your goal!
One woman wrote to admit she was sad because she had been married twenty-two years and was just starting to understand the Love and Respect message. She said: I have prayed for years that my husband would love me, and speak my love language. But when I begin to speak his language, then he responds with what I have wanted. Another wife who had attended our Love and Respect Conference with her husband wrote: I am nearly in shock at the changes in my husband in the last several days. To give you some background.
Talk about a Crazy Cycle! We had jumped on and were running to our death. The thing that struck me was your comment that a man can feel the loss of respect so deeply but not be able to give voice or vocabulary as to what is wrong. As a man who is not given to voicing his emotions much on a good day, I believe this is how my husband was affected. As a result, a lot of my efforts to reach out over the last six months backfired. The next day he got up from the table and brought a chair for me!
This last Sunday he suggested going to a movie in the evening, sat and talked before the movie started, proposed going to a musical in town next week. In general, he has been much more open and communicative. While it would be simplistic and untrue to say all our problems are magically solved, there is a bridge between us that did not exist a week ago. Following are comments from three different women who have also discovered the power of respecting their husbands: I have believed in God my whole life [but] I was not taught this before.
But it does make so much sense. If you respect your husband, he will love you. It may not always be in the ways I love him but he does in his own special way. I thank God every day for letting me learn this. Now, instead of just telling him that I love him, I have begun telling him what I appreciate and admire about him. He eats it up! A close friend called to tell me God wanted me to listen to what you were saying about respect.
My husband and I have gone to numerous marriage conferences and read many books together but nothing remotely like this has ever been mentioned. I think this is the key to understanding my husband and to a joyful marriage. It is amazing what God does when you obey Him. Best of all, they have adjusted their pink sunglasses and pink hearing aids and are aware that when a wife respects her husband she does not become a doormat.
In fact, he starts rolling out the red carpet for her! But what about husbands who need to adjust their blue sunglasses and blue hearing aids and do their part to make the Love and Respect Connection? I have talked to many men who would be willing to try, but they feel clueless about how to begin. If the cave existed, these men would favor going there to hide! They would agree with the biblical proverbs that say it is better for a disrespected man to live in a corner of the roof or in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman see Proverbs As one husband plaintively but aptly put it: But I want to remind all husbands that their wives are basically good-willed women.
They are only acting critical, contentious, and disrespectful because they are crying out for love. The good news is that the husband need only focus on two questions. First, they were madly in love. Was she really expecting him to be in the place of God? As a husband, I am always seeking to decode what my wife is feeling. Suppose Sarah confronts me in a way that leaves me feeling offended, disrespected, or described as unloving. Who can ever understand them? She needs me. In the heart of every wife is this cry: Sarah wants me to love her.
On a Saturday evening, I threw a dish in anger that hit my wife in the face and left a small cut. She called the police and I was handcuffed and taken off to jail. A magistrate thought it best for me to sit out the weekend there and held me over on a LOT of bond. With nothing to read, no place to go, and not able to sleep any more, I basically paced and prayed for two days.
One single Scripture stayed in my mind the whole time: Only the words were not what my wife had been screaming at me. Instead, they were replaced with other words that I needed to hear: All this time I had been so totally wrapped up in my own needs—to demand respect, to be right at any cost, to win a petty argument—this hurt our priceless relationship. I had been so caught up in the words that I had totally missed her heart, her need.
This was my epiphany, and this is why Scripture commands me to love my wife as Christ loved the church. In my conversations with men since then, I have seen the color drain from their faces as I tell them about my experience, and I see the dawning of their own awareness as they realize how they have blown it, too.
We NEED this command, but not many of us know just how badly. Anyway, God sat me down for two days in jail, took away all the distractions, and forced me to look at myself in a way I had never done before. By the end of it, I had been totally emotionally ruined and rebuilt, and I could hardly wait to get home and share with my wife what God had shown me! My last evening in my cell I was freer than I had ever been.
Although the husband and his wife reconciled, the court ordered him to attend domestic violence counseling, which he was happy to do. C loseness: She wants you to be close. O penness: She wants you to open up to her. U nderstanding: P eacemaking: E steem: She wants you to honor and cherish her. C onquest: Appreciate his desire to work and achieve.
H ierarchy: Appreciate his desire to protect and provide. A uthority: Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead. I nsight: Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel. R elationship: Appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship. S exuality: Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy. As Dr. In other words, since everybody needs to be loved, love cannot be a passive activity. For the men, a compromise might mean listening to their girlfriends or wives and not trying to fix them; for the women, it may mean acting vulnerable and agreeing to be led.
In the final part of his book, Dr. Eggerichs suggests that there is another cycle following the energizing one, and this one is the cycle where both partners uncover the real reason why they should love. Since Dr.